The Cloud written by Tom Szollosi & Michael Piller and directed by David Livingston

What’s it about: Voyager enters an anomaly. Copy and paste as many times as you like through the shows run…

Hepburn-a-Like: Janeway has always been comfortable with a distance between herself and a crew but trapped in the Delta Quadrant she is no longer allowed that luxury. Paris thinks that Captains don’t want to courtesy, they want respect. Janeway is clearly fishing for an invite to join them but rubbishy Starfleet protocol prevents either Kim or Paris from asking her. All she wants is a cup of coffee in the morning (something I can fully appreciate) and instead she gets a lecture from Neelix about setting an example to the crew and a cup of his unbelievably foul looking slop. Janeway’s flittery embarrassment at his compliments and sudden desperate leap out of the Mess Hall when she is presented with ‘better than coffee’ are two more priceless Kate Mulgrew moments. She’s really found her groove very quickly. Whilst I enjoy seeing the Captain and the First Officer discussing the well-being of the crew it’s odd that they should be whispering so publicly on the Bridge! Janeway rudely mutes the EMH on Bridge. Janeway knocks them out at the pool table in a nicely directed scene.

First Officer: Chakotay’s animal guide is a girl. His American Indian mythology has no place in Star Trek and fails to make his character any more interesting.

Spotted Dick: Neelix might not be the first person I would listen to when being hyper critical of Janeway’s decisions but his rant about her insane behaviour when faced with an anomaly does hold some weight. The first snog on the ship goes to Neelix, there’s something very wrong with that! He appoints himself as morale officer aboard the ship which should be enough to convince half the crew to disembark at their next stop.

Forever Ensign: Only somebody as wet as Harry Kim could enjoy wearing an eye mask in bed because it reminds him of being inside his mothers womb! When asked if he wants a tipple at Sandrines Harry ‘the chump’ Kim asks for a cup of tea. Everything about this kid seems to be geared at reminding the audience that he is inexperienced and desperate to please. He always looked so pained every time somebody reprimands him – you want to tell him to grow a backbone.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘There’s coffee in that nebula!’
‘Dismissed. That’s a Starfleet expression for get out.’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘I’ve never kissed anybody inside a nebulae before…’

The Good: Of all the various holosuite programmes of the year Sandrines was by far the most atmospheric and enjoyable (but then nothing could be much worse than the hideous Hawaiian one or worse…Fair Haven!). B’lanna tried to murder her animal guide so I’m guessing she thought as much of this nonsense as I do.

The Bad: Kim and Tuvok gossiping across the Bridge probably looked like a good idea on paper but lacks humour in its realisation. The scenes of the crew trying to break through the Cloud aren’t about anything – it’s just line after line of techno speak without a single drop of charm. The scene where Tom wakes Harry up is filmed like a horror murder scene and I have no idea why. Why are they so resistant to head out on location on this show? Rather than film a short scene on a beach instead we get Janeway clearly superimposed over one.

Anomalies: Since we will be encountering so many of these beasties throughout Voyager’s run I thought it would be fun to give them their own little section in the reviews! We spent a whole episode going through an anomaly in Parallax and now we spend an entire episode trying to escape from one! Shouldn’t these babies make the crew have crazy hallucinations of something, anything to make the experience more palatable? This nebulae is a life form that they have injured in escaping and oddly it takes Neelix to question whether that is actually a good idea.

Foreboding: The Doctor jokes to Torres that if he had the ability to programme himself he would raise a family. To prove that an idea is never wasted on this show (even one like ‘lets do a WWF style smack down in space!’) this was followed up in Real Life. B’lanna calls Paris a pig which is all the sign you need that these two would end up in bed together one day.

Result: As a good example of how disposable the main plot of The Cloud is I left to make a cup of tea during the climax as the ship was buffered by electricity and didn’t miss a thing. You might have the feeling of déjà vu throughout this episode because it is pretty much Parallax II – an anomaly threatens the ship as crew get to know each other a little better. Some the character work is serviceable (usually any scene featuring Janeway) but other moments see characters failing to make an impression (Harry Kim needs to die and Chakotay shouldn’t be too far behind). Overall this is about as vanilla as Star Trek comes but at least it ends on a pleasing sentiment: 5/10

Lonely Among Us written by D.C Fontana and directed by Cliff Bole

What’s it about: A lost entity takes possession of Picard's mind…

To Baldly Go: Clearly Picard didn’t think too much of Mr Singh because 30 seconds after his death he is delighted to hear that the Enterprise can warp off again. I’m glad he isn’t my boss! Love Picard putting his feet up on his desk when he is taken over, he could do with letting go a bit more often. Patrick Stewart is awesome as he walks around the Bridge explaining away the plot of the story; his background in theatre has ensured that he is at his best when able to play a scene to a crowd.

Alien Empath: Not content with probing people’s minds without their say so now Deanna is performing hypnosis on the crew. She really is a nosy cow.

Fully Functional: Whilst it is quite fun to see Data puffing on a pipe, it really isn’t appropriate to be arsing around during a murder investigation. Once again Data is showing more emotion than some the crew – especially his cute ‘my dear Riker, sir…’ Riker lets him get away with his Sherlock Holmes pastiche but at least Picard slaps his wrist.

Boy Genius: Its great to be able to see Beverley and Wesley in their quarters together behaving like a vaguely normal family. Why hasn’t Wesley been given a uniform to perform his duties on the Bridge? To see him lounging on that leather chair in a jumper makes this ship look as if its some kind of holiday cruise for kids.

Dancing Doctor: Oh dear, Beverley is taken over by the creature and behaves in a zombie like fashion but I cannot see any significant difference to how Gates McFadden usually plays her. I can’t wait until Pulaski comes along to shake this crew up a bit.

The Good: The snakelike Selay are beautifully made creatures, by far the best we have seen yet in the series and it is a shame that they never returned. As these things go that’s not a bad teaser with Worf attacked by a sudden shock of blue lightning. I’ve certainly seen far worse. I love the idea of these two political factions having their own little hunt on the Enterprise. It’s a shame that the episode wasn’t giving over to that far more entertaining subplot. Poor O’Brien is stuck between the two bitter enemies when they come face to face in a corridor! I was cheering with joy when the Picard controlled creature shot electricity and incapacitated the whole crew! It’s a striking visual and its nice to see characters as useless as Troi, Tasha and Beverley (oh gosh that sounds so sexist but they really are the worst characters on this show!) being tortured!

The Bad: What is wrong with these Starfleet Captains? If you encounter a mysterious cloud or anomaly…go around it! How many engineers are there on the Enterprise? In the last episode it was a bearded Scot called Argyle and now it’s an Indian called Singh! In comparison to the Selay the Antikan’s look vaguely ridiculous with giant furry gloves and puppet like mouths. It all gets a bit ridiculous when Picard decides to beam out into space and become one with the energy cloud and then roams around in the Enterprise circuitry but compared to some of the things we have already seen this year it is practically mundane. Obviously the Selay/Antikan conflict is just supposed to be background colour because we don’t find out why they are fighting or how the peace negations work out. Riker demands that Tasha stops reporting of a missing delegate and a puddle of blood found to say hello to Captain Picard! How relaxed are they on this ship?

Moment To Watch Out For: Mr Singh’s incredible death scene where he is struck by the lightning entity, judders about and throws himself about half a mile across Engineering before hanging over the edge of the warp core.

Orchestra: For the most part the music in this episode is subtle and spooky which is something of a minor miracle in the loud and proud first season.

Result: Considering it has two underdeveloped and largely unintelligible plotlines, Lonely Among Us isn’t that bad. We have already had a story where a virus passing from one character to another and ultimately we learn nothing about this entity and so there seems little point in this exercise aside from to allow the regulars to act out of character (again). On the plus side the majority of the crew are a knats whisker away from looking comfortable in their parts and Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner in particular have settled down considerably since the pilot. What really helps is Cliff Bole’s strong direction and a halfway creepy musical score both of which create more atmosphere than the story deserves. It’s not going to win any awards for innovation but this is an undemanding, fairly entertaining bit of nonsense: 6/10

Captive Pursuit written by Jill Sherman Donner & Michael Piller and directed by Corey Allen

What’s it about: O'Brien befriends an alien involved in a deadly hunt…

Single Father: Nice to see Sisko bearing his teeth again after a couple of episodes of fannying about. He tears into the leader of the aliens with real gusto and then chews out O’Brien in the sparkling final scene that shows that he can at least think outside of the dull Starfleet box. ‘Another stunt like that and your wife wont have to complain about the conditions here anymore!’ – phew, go Sisko!

Everyday Engineer: Frankly even if O’Brien wasn’t the engineer I would still send him on his own to go an meet the first new species from the Gamma Quadrant, he’s so damn down to Earth! When he walks along the Promenade O’Brien thinks he is living in the flea market of the sector. It’s in his nature to take the piss out of people and Tosk is the most natural straight man he has met in ages so it is doubly irresistible. I love how O’Brien talks right over Bashir when he tries to help, their relationship would be very different when they get to know each other. O’Briens dilemma is touching played by Colm Meaney and its all the more convincing because he clearly has a great respect for the Prime Directive but his feelings towards Tosk are even stronger. The way he bends the rules to allow him to free Tosk and satisfy Starfleet conduct of non-interference is inspired. I have to admit when the smoking bodies started piling up I was thinking how the hell is O’Brien going to talk his way out of this one?

Community Leader: Quark continues to be the black sheep of the Star Trek universe, this time demanding sexual favours from his employees! He offers Tosk an adventure in the holosuite full of excitement and sex! The scene between O’Brien and Quark once again shows what a bright idea it was to place so emphasis on the bar and its Ferengi owner, it gives the show some real colour.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Piece of cake. Ram Scoop. Abernauts.’
‘You sleep a full third of your rotation, you rest and relax when you are awake…Alpha Quadrant has far too much down time.’
‘Die with honour, O’Brien.’

The Good: This is the first of two very impressive alien characters that Scott McDonald would play in DS9 (the second being in the even better episode Rocks & Shoals from series six). His performance is wonderfully nuanced with tiny movements of the head and body to suggest his dissociation from his natural habitat and his wonder at the new environment he has found himself in. There are lots of little moments like how he recoils when the computer talks to him, looks in awe at Quark and stares agog into the drink put in front of him. The make up is phenomenal too with his reptilian features stretching down his neck and into his costume with lots of tiny segmented pieces adding to overall effect of the mask. Everything about these new aliens feels fresh from their ability to turn invisible, their striking scanning beams and their incredibly destructive weaponry (and they can catch phaser beams in their arms and redistribute the energy, how awesome is that?). To show just how alien these creatures are the most humiliating thing that could possibly happen to Tosk is that he can be captured and taken home alive. The episode skilfully builds Tosk up as a potential threat and before revealing he is the ultimate victim. How embarrassing to be dragged through a public place wearing a collar! Odo’s gentle stroll back to the security office to stop Tosk is a lovely touch that only DS9 could pull off this well. You’ve got aliens flying off the top level of the Promenade, scanners tearing through bulkheads, explosions and slaughter in the corridors – it’s a very satisfying conclusion.

The Bad: This might feel like a random observation but it is something about Star Trek that gets on my nerves. I hate it when the direction of a show points to a plot twist before it has even happened and there is an example in Captive Pursuit that happens all the time across all of the Star Trek shows. Whenever there is a camera angle that features a character to one side of the screen and there is a huge amount of space to the other side of them you know that something is about to appear. It happened in Encounter at Farpoint when Q appeared behind Picard and it happens here when Tosh appears behind O’Brien. I know it’s a small thing to complain about but stories should not be visually predictable.

Moment To Watch Out For: As DS9 was pitched as something like a western town in space with a Sheriff’s office (the Security office), bar (Quark’s) and church (the Temple) its great to see a proper western stand off in this episode where the Federation and the aliens walk towards each other on the dusty streets (the Promenade). To add to the feel the gunplay is genuinely impressive and the security doors are literally blown to pieces!

Myth Building: 300 people live on the station, more or less. In the future passage through the wormhole will be considered out of bounds for the hunt.

Orchestra: The music in the early seasons of DS9 is adequate with only a few episodes with standout examples. It would from series four onwards that the various composer really up their game and provide some very memorable music. I do like the quirky score as Tosk explores the station and the action scenes are giving some weight with a pulse pounding score in this episode.

Result: Something unknown, mysterious and exciting comes through the wormhole – this is more like it! Captive Pursuit is a fine piece of writing which offers an intriguing mystery and an exciting resolution with plenty opportunities for action and a touching spotlight on O’Brien. The first half of the episode slowly builds up the relationship between O’Brien and Tosk before the rest of his people arrive to hunt him down and the pyrotechnics begin! Corey Allen provides some fine action sequences that really have some punch and yet still keeps the focus on the central relationship climaxing in a very sweet ending that sees O’Brien defy authority to help his friend escape. I really love that the tear jerking conclusion works through nothing but retrained performances and that Tosk manages to remain an alien character throughout (had this been TNG he would have been happily humanised by the conclusion). Well paced with some dynamic sequences and DS9’s own brand of exceptional character work, Captive Pursuit gets two thumbs up from me: 9/10

Phage written by Brannon Braga, Timothy Dehaas & Skye Dent and directed by Winrich Kolbe

What’s it about: Neelix is relieved of his lungs by a disease stricken species…

Hepburn-a-Like: It seems very right for Janeway to give over her private dining room to the crew to socialise in and have their food cooked for them. Nice to see the Captain being reckless to help a member of her crew. Mulgrew aces the scene where she confronts the Vidiians, initially shocked and angry and slowly growing to understand their plight to the point of holding back tears before once again unleashing her anger. She cuts to each emotion with absolute conviction.

Spotted Dick: His speciality is making something out of nothing and our reaction mirrors Janeway’s that Neelix could think up something this innovative. Whilst he is clearly a pain in Janeway’s butt she is already showing signs of warming towards him but then I suppose that can’t be helped when he has had his lungs ripped out. For 20 minutes or so I actually found myself sympathising with Neelix for the impossible situation he has found himself in but then he starts displaying what would consume any likeability his character may have ever possessed – his jealousy of Paris and Kes. Its unusual that they chose Neelix for this episode (it was probably because they thought the audience would fall in love with him from the outset) and it won’t be the last time that he tries to commit suicide before the series is over. The sequence where he hyperventilates and suffers a claustrophobic attack is quite uncomfortable to watch because it would be easy to imagine how stifling that situation would be.

Elfin Chick: Again the best moments of character belong to Kes who forcefully steps in and demands an explanation before the Doctor performs experimental surgery on Neelix. It’s odd because I was never really convinced by Kes’ unwavering loyalty towards Neelix (even though Jennifer Lien has a damn good stab at it) and yet when she finally gets around to dumping him I didn’t like her character at all. Kes beautifully affirms the Doctor’s very first step towards independence, telling him he will have to learn like the rest of them. She bravely donates a lung for Neelix because she wants to do something for him for once. By sticking Kes and the Doctor together you have two of the strongest characters on this show working together, it’s a promising new direction for both characters.

EMH: The Doctor’s plan to create a pair of holographic lungs is pretty inspired and proves he is able to innovate as well as act as the ships medic. Neelix asks the Doctor if he is programmed to sing and he throws him a dirty look. Maybe he kept this in the back of his mind because this suggestion would lead to some of the series best (Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy) and worst (Virtuoso) moments. There is no Doctor, no nurse and no counsellor on board and the EMH is trying to cope with the job of all three. By the end of the episode you can see he is starting to assert himself and that he might have found a friend amongst the crew.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘He’s just one big hormone walking around the ship’ – whilst Neelix’s jealousy of Paris never really worked you can’t fault his summing up of his character!
‘So now I am left with the same choice you made. Whether to commit murder to save a life or to allow my own crewman to die while you breathe air through his lungs.’
‘Take a message to your people. If I ever encounter your kind again, I will do whatever is necessary to protect my people from this harvesting of yours. Any aggressive action against this ship or its crew will be met by the deadliest of force.’ – such was the intensity of Mulgrew’s performance I recoiled from the TV.

The Good: Winrich Kolbe is one of the most efficient Star Trek directors and with a scene as simple as Neelix exploring a darkened cavern he manages to provide more atmosphere and chills than anything we have seen from the series so far. Look at the sweeping camerawork as Neelix moves to Sickbay, this is the work of a gifted director. It was in this episode that I noticed what a visually appealing set Voyager’s sickbay is – it stands out because of the impressive lighting. Everything about heading into the crevice in the asteroid is a great idea from showing off Paris’ piloting expertise to the cute exchange between Janeway and Tuvok and visually it shows the series trying something a bit different. The chamber with the hundreds of Voyagers being reflected is far better than the similar scene in Parallax, looking for a needle in a haystack would be easier. The almost invisible use of Seska before she explodes into her own character arc is an astonishing amount of foresight for a series that never usually tries this sort of thing. There is a real Frankenstein’s monster feel to the Vidiian make up; their faces literally look like they have been made up of parts of different races.

Moment To Watch Out For: There is a startling visual when the phaser beam is reflected around the cavern.

Myth Building: A disease attacked the Vidiian over two millennia ago and has been consuming their bodies ever since. The disease adapts and resists all attempts to destroy it so these organ snatchers lure unsuspecting victims and strip them of their parts. It’s so remarkably grotesque I’m surprised a show like Voyager got away with it. Before the Phage consumed them the Vidiians were educators and explorers, a people whose greatest achievements were artistic.

Result: A huge round of applause to Voyager for creating so early in their run one of the most skin crawlingly nasty alien races any Trek show could boast. Everything about the Vidiians is well thought through from the chilling idea of them harvesting your organs to their macabre appearance (with an emphasis on cataracts, skin growths, tumours and greasy hair that is falling out – ugh!). They’re horrible and they would provide some of the best moments in the first two seasons. Phage is a very strong episode of Voyager that allows Kate Mulgrew to show us what she is made of as an actress and pleasingly gives some time over to the Doctor and Kes’ growing relationship. My one complaint would be that Neelix doesn’t make the most sympathetic of victims but there are more than enough compensations in the strong writing and atmospheric direction and even the odd special effect that left me nodding with assent. More like this please: 8/10

Where No One has Gone Before written by Diane Duane & Michael Reaves and directed by Rob Bowman

What’s it about: Breaking through the warp barrier the Enterprise winds up a billion light years from their galaxy…

To Baldy Go: Picard stepping out from the turbolift into space is a great shock moment. If everybody is seeing what they most desire it is telling that Picard gets to sit and have tea with his mother. It takes the Traveller to convince Picard that Wesley might amount to something worthwhile which I guess means we will be seeing more of this parental relationship.

Boy Genius: Astonishing that when he is underwritten how tolerable Wesley can be and how subtle a performer Wil Wheaton turns out to be. This episode goes some way to rectifying the mistakes of the opening handful of episodes but it is all for nought – he’s back acting like an irritating swot again in just two episodes time. When Riker refuses to listen him I would have slapped the Commander around the face for being so rude. Thank goodness Wesley finally corrects Picard and Riker for constantly calling him ‘the boy’, it is unbelievably demeaning. The Traveller suggests that Wesley will be a genius similar to Mozart but in the fields of time, energy and propulsion. Amazing to think that this plot thread would be followed up in seven years time.

Security Chief: Everything about Tasha’s past should work and when we catch a glimpse of her scarred and filthy and hiding from the rape gangs it is a potent image. But then Denise Crosby opens her mouth and lets out some rubbish dialogue and the illusion is shattered.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Thought is the basis of all reality.’
‘What wonderful arrogance. There is no record because we have not visited you before’ – the Traveller manages to puncture humanity’s arrogance in the 24th Century better than Q did through Encounter at Farpoint with one gentle line of dialogue.
‘Captains Log: any time entry is meaningless!’ – great line.

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘You’re telling me it’s a kitty cat?’ – are we nearly at the Armus slaughters Tasha episode yet?
‘I feel an abundance of well-being on the ship’ – oh shut up Troi.

The Good: Lovely to have somebody as arrogant, overbearing and sure of himself as Kosinski to rock the boat a bit on the lets-hug-and-make-up Enterprise. He might not be remotely likable but it’s nice to see somebody displaying a bit of assholeness. The set piece of the Enterprise smashing through warp ten with the warp core having a heart attack and the ship punching into another region of space encapsulates this shows mission to explore strange new places better than anything else we have seen so far. I laughed out loud at Data’s information that any message they send back to Starfleet would take 51 years to reach them! The idea that space and time and thought aren’t as separate as we perceive them to be is an extraordinary concept, one that would be touched on again in DS9 with the changelings. For once an episode is entirely unpredictable, we have no idea what is going on or where we are heading and that is a lovely feeling. A billion light years from their usual galaxy! You can’t fault the ambition of the writers! It’s nice to see some of the fantasies of the other crewmembers rather than just the main cast – the two who are being chased by nothing, the man who joins in a Mozart concerto and the ensign ballet dancing in the cargo bay are great little insights into other characters.

The Bad: Actually on reflection it doesn’t take before I wanted to toss Kosinski out of a cargo bay door such is his unbelievable hubris. What the hell? A male officer walks into shot wearing a dress! Is cross-dressing acceptable in the 24th Century? Actually on that subject the civilisations on the Enterprise have an appalling sense of fashion. Basically they get home by arranging a huge love in for the Traveller, shame to get back to the schmaltz after an episode of such dazzling creation.

Moment To Watch Out For: A genuinely fun moment when Picard has some pleasure in wangling a rank for Wesley so he can come on the Bridge and sit at a command post.

Myth Building: Only 11% of our galaxy has been charted. Often mentioned but never seen accept in this episode, a Klingon Targ makes its debut! Only now does humanity merit some attention by the Traveller’s people, before they have always been too uninteresting.

Result: I am thrilled to be able to say something nice about a TNG episode and Where No One Has Gone Before is so vastly superior to the last four episodes it doesn’t even warrant comparison. It has just the right mixture of imagination (with the Traveller offering us a unique glimpse into our future) and character building (especially for Picard and Wesley) and Rob Bowman’s stylish direction holds the whole piece together with some beautiful imagery. It’s a shame that the final act devolves into some overdone syrup but at least it does end on some development for a character (even if it is ‘the boy.’). This episode really reinforces the sense of wonder exploring the galaxy can provide and with the invention of the Traveller and his people there is some hope that not every alien will be a racial stereotype or capitalist troll. I really enjoyed this on the whole and it just goes to show how well TNG can play out when the writers reign in the melodrama and offer flourishes of imagination: 8/10

Babel written by Michael McGreevey & Naren Shankar and directed by Paul Lynch

What’s it about: A virus that makes the station personnel talk nonsense. No seriously.

Single Father: Sisko’s quiet approach to command is pretty dull in this episode and he only registers when he shows concern towards his son being infected.

Everyday Engineer: In a couple of minutes footage we get to see just how hard O’Brien is working his butt off to try and keep the Station running. I wonder if he has daydreams about hanging out in the transporter room on the Enterprise? What I love about his character is that even when he is in a grumpy bastard of a mood he is still written and played with a great deal of humour. Colm Meaney is a likable guy and as such so is O’Brien. His first slip of aphasic language is an odd moment. He tells Sisko that Keiko is fond of Jake but because Sisko questions this it almost seems as if he has said something improper. I’d love to know what O’Brien said to Kira when she joked about the broken turbolift (I bet it was full of swear words!)

Unknown Sample: Quark is such a crafty character its no surprise that Odo sees through his sudden luck at having his replicator fixed. Its interesting to see that once he is taken out of comfort zone of security and has a station full of lives on his hands he almost falls to pieces.

Community Leader: In the space of one episode Quark has gone from doing fantastic business to it being practically non-existent with Odo commenting on both. I guess that’s the way it goes in the hospitality industry. Security verification never seems to be a problem for this Ferengi; he just pulls out his isolinear rods and gets snooping. He lures Dax through his door with a double whipped Idanian spiced pudding. The scene where he is making sure his less fortunate customers aren’t faking the illness to prevent paying their bar bills is hilarious – Quark really is a wonderful scene stealing character. Look at him swaggering into Ops and offering his help to Odo, he is loving this (and his ‘I must have witnessed the procedure hundreds of times’ is great).

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Rom’s an idiot, he couldn’t fix a straw if it was bent.’
‘You. Gold. Owe. Me!’
‘Bread the arrive seen earlier!’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘I’m holding you personally responsible if anything turns up missing’ – Odo developing his use of the oxymoron.

The Good: Straight off we visit a cargo bay, Ops, a science laboratory and a corridor – this really does feel like a large, working area teeming with activity. It’s only a small detail but I love the shot of the fluids running through the circuitry. DS9 really knows how to stage action and the gripping final set pieces is all flames, smoke and explosions.

The Bad: Colm Meaney gives all he’s got to make his nonsense speak as funny as possible (and I did laugh at ‘Simple hesitation!’) but really, this script and premise would be thrown in the trash in a few seasons time. Its one of the early DS9 episodes that is trying out a TNG premise to see if this sort of thing will work. There will be a couple of other examples as we work our way through the first season (Move Along Home, If Wishes Were Horses & Dramatis Personae) but they would soon peter off as DS9 develops its own identity. The fella playing Jarheel is able to send you to sleep with his relaxed delivery. Even DS9 isn’t above having a duff punchline at the end of the episode but at least Colm Meaney has the guts to look embarrassed by it!

Moment To Watch Out For: There is a pan across the Promenade that ends on Jake where you can see that the upper level is unfinished. The producers did not have the budget to have a two storey set like this in the shows first season and it is interesting to see it displayed here so bold facedly. In the next season both sides of the Promenade are walkways with shops and lifts and lots of activity.

Orchestra: The music is really exciting in the finale as Odo struggles to explode the mooring clamps in a race against time sequence.

Result: Imagine if the crew had been wiped out by the aphasic virus? What an embarrassing way to end the series! Babel proves again that DS9 has better luck at dishing out these naff Star Trek premises because its core of characters is strong enough to provide some entertainment when the plot fails to do so. You’ve got Odo panicking when the Station is his responsibility, Quark causing a whole lot of trouble but redeeming himself by coming through when the crisis needs him and Kira providing her own unique solution to curing the virus by infecting the man who created it. So now we’ve done the virus and the murder mystery plots, can we get on with something more interesting now? Disposable but fairly watchable especially in the thrilling final ten minutes: 6/10

The Last Outpost written by Herbert Wright and directed by Richard Colla

What’s it about: Chasing a Ferengi cruiser with stolen property, the Enterprise gets caught in a planetary atmosphere with its power draining…

Mr Wolf: ‘For battle come to me!’ cries Worf who in four stories hasn’t had one ounce of development or exploration.

Blind Engineer: For some reason and for one episode only Geordi is behaving like a jiving MC Hammer engineer, jigging with his hands and spouting funky dialogue and exclaiming ‘oo-wee!’ when a plan comes together!

Security Chief: The sooner this psychotic woman is replaced the better. She suggests the (impractical and provocative) plan of blasting their way free.

Dancing Doctor: Any chance she gets she will try and murder her annoying pipsqueak of a son and when the Enterprise is drained of power she plans on sedating him. At least that’s how any sane person would interpret it. Its not the last time this season that somebody would want to give Wesley a little prick to send him to sleep. Everyone is quite loose with their feelings in the first season and Crusher strokes Picard’s face in the Bridge once power is restored (does anybody ever call him Jean without the Luc again?).

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘Dammit critters!’ cries Worf when he is nibbled at by a Ferengi!
‘These crystalline tree shapes are actually energy collectors!’ – what is up with people on this show stating the bleeding obvious?

The Good: The holographic table in the conference room is pretty nifty but I can understand why they stuck to a screen in future seasons.

The Bad: ‘Immobilised by the damn Ferengi’ spits Worf vocalising my thoughts exactly. When you compare it to TNG’s next attempt to create a big bad in season two with the Borg, the Ferengi's efforts to force the Enterprise to turn round and face them is actually little more than a minor inconvenience. On the Enterprise scanner large enough for even the bloke standing at the back of the Bridge to see is a huge planet and a much smaller spaceship. Picard and his lackeys spend ten minutes trying to outthink the ship and it takes Troi (of all people) to suggest that perhaps the planet is responsible and not the spaceship. It’s amazing that this ship made it out of Space dock. Picard surrenders to a Ferengi vessel, what an embarrassing thing for him to think back upon. Why do the Ferengi sit so close to their cameras? The Damon’s face fills the entire screen in a jarring, visually unspectacular exchange. Its interesting to note that at the same sort of time Doctor Who was creating planets as realistic and visually arresting as Segonax, Lakertya and the Cheetah Planet and yet Star Trek with its larger budget instead opts for a hideously unconvincing studio backdrop. The precipice that Riker shouts out across isn’t even as realistic looking as a similar scene in The Daleks when the travellers discover the Dalek City. These Ferengi manage to overpower Worf! If only Quark knew about this he could have enjoyed winding him up for evermore. I remember an interview with Armin Shimerman when he apologised for his horrid performance in this episode and was determined to get it right when he was cast in Deep Space Nine and yet he gives the strongest performance of the three on the planet. It’s not great but its better than the squeaky voiced pair he’s lumbered with. A ghostly Godlike being again? There are plenty of those buggers about aren’t there? Riker tells the representative of the Tkon Empire that their time has gone and when he begs to differ he gets Data to read out the historical records – I would just say ‘Hello! I’m right here!’ Mordock does the oddest camp dance movements with his hands sort of a cross between the Child Catcher and an extremely camp bloke mincing down the highstreet! Riker quotes a little Sun Tzu and the episode is over? Did I miss something?

Moment To Watch Out For: Jonathan Frakes who demonstrates how a true action hero should fall when he is struck down by a Ferengi whip.

Myth Building: The Ferengi display the worst characteristics of human capitalists – let the buyer beware. Their portrayal in the episode leaves a lot to be desired and they don’t seem to work as either comedy stooges or villainous nasties. The sequence that sees them madly jumping on the backs of our heroes and trying to eat them is one of the most surreal moments in Star Trek. At least they get one thing right – these Ferengi find the idea of a clothed female going to work sickening. Whilst Riker tries to bang home the moral in the last scene the Ferengi are literally running around them doing the strangest of dance movements! It’s absolutely hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

Result: Ladies and Gentleman may I introduce you to your new terrifying villains…the Ferengi! In another universe where the design and performances were different it might have worked but the truth is the scariest thing this bunch of pantomime trolls do is an odd disco dancing routine with their hands. If I was watching this series new I would have given up by now, this is another tragic failiure of an episode and there simply is no sign that the quality is ever going to improve. The whole episode works on the idea that the Enterprise is in desperate danger from this Godlike entity of the week and yet Riker manages to woo him with little more than a single line of Chinese philosophy! Add to that one of the least convincing planetary backdrops and a general lack of atmosphere and intelligent dialogue, TNG’s first season continues to lack any conviction. The episode even ends on an inevitable and unfunny gag: 2/10

Time and Again written by David Kemper & Michael Piller and directed by Les Landau

What’s it about: Janeway and Paris travel back in time one day with the foreknowledge that a civilisation is about to fall…

Hepburn-a-Like: Janeway and Paris look like poster children for the GAP clothing store in their multi coloured gear. In a moment of extreme violence Janeway gets well and truly smacked in the gob during the riot and its enough to make you flinch! Mulgrew tries so hard to give the material some gravity but the look and feel of the episode is working against her. When Janeway blabs out that she is a hostage almost causes the most annoying kid this side of Wesley Crusher executed I was ready to leap in and kiss her!

Parisian Rogue: Time and Again exposes a problem with plot heavy Voyager episodes; they forget that the characters are supposed to have a personality. The most we discover about Paris in this episode is that he is trying to bed the Delaney sisters and that is revealed in the teaser before the plot has begun. He takes a bullet for the kid which proves his character degeneration has already begun.

Forever Ensign: Would rather run a transdata diagnostic then help Paris chat up the Delaney sisters and doesn’t quite have the hang of exaggerating his prowess to wangled his way into their quarters! Its commendable that Kim is remaining faithful to his girlfriend but a little naïve that he thinks they will be getting home any time soon.

Elfin Chick: Kes suffers a terrifying telepathic vision of the planet burning. Jennifer Lien is quietly a very impressive performer and she often provides moments of striking emotion when we explore her powers.

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘ Our own rescue attempt! That’s what sets it off!’ – not only does that episode take the most predictable path but it feels the need to explain it to us.

The Good: ‘So, we’re looking at the end of the war’ – that’s a much more visual description of the searing of the planet than Janeway’s technobabble.

The Bad: The first alien civilisation Voyager meets since the pilot and it’s a bunch of humans with the only concession to this being on the other side of the galaxy being they all wear different coloured bright clothes! That goofy little blond kid is more annoying than Alexander, Wesley Crusher and Molly put together. His entire purpose is to irritate and hamper Janeway. I have absolutely no idea what B’lanna is talking about in engineering when mounting a technobabble fuelled escape plan. A planets surface blasted to death by war with pockets of time that offers windows into the past when it was thriving and foreknowledge that it is about to be destroyed tomorrow. That’s a pretty strong premise for a story so why is the execution so bland? The community is completely unmemorable and no attempt is made to make us care about their fate. The conclusion is inevitable, of course the Voyager crew is ultimately responsible for the disaster that befalls the planet because that is exactly how these sorts of episodes always resolve themselves. Janeway needs to read up on some of the old TNG episodes to see how these things end up. The end of the episode proves that the whole thing never happened as far as the crew is concerned. If only.

Orchestra: The musician wakes up as we head towards the climax with some exciting music as Janeway heads off to stop the terrorist attack.

Result: I can imagine a much stronger version of Time and Again that sees Janeway and Paris trapped on a war torn planet of fascists, trying desperately to avert a disaster and avoid being executed themselves. The version we get sees them dressing up in multi coloured clothing, hiding from a scrotum-clenchingly irritating kid and chatting amiably with colourless officials. Given the premise of the show it is potentially the blandest execution imaginable. The most interesting thing on offer is Kes who displays unusual supernatural powers which give the episode at least a few moments of interest. When TNG was bad in its first season it was at least entertainingly camp and when DS9 dropped the ball it was propped up by subplots – Time and Again is the first bad episode of Voyager and it proves that at its worst this show is simply forgettable and for me that is the worst kind of bad. Time and Again flaunts a great idea but does absolutely nothing with it. Pretty much the story of this series: 2/10

A Man Alone written by Gerald Sanford & Michael Piller and directed by Paul Lynch

What’s it about: Odo is framed for murder by a criminal he once put away…

Single Father: This episode juggles a plethora of subplots that make the overall experience more palatable. Sisko’s new friendship with Dax is spoken about and his awkward dinnertime conversation with Bashir puts to rest any fears that he might have feelings about her. This is a very different Sisko to the one who has to juggle up a hundred problems in later season – he preaches to Odo about playing by the rules but in later seasons he goes on a manhunt, frames an entire species and starts a full scale war. Nice to see Sisko taking a different lead from Picard and happily socialising with his crew.

Unknown Sample: Odo has never seen the need to ‘couple’ but by the end of the seven-year run he would be quite the expert. I would love to be able to argue with his disparaging assessment of a night in with the other half but anybody in a relationship would recognise what he is saying. His creed is laws change depending on the administration but justice is justice. Whilst Sisko would come to admire and respect Odo’s unique approach to law enforcement his unwillingness to be a team player would be brought up several times in later episodes. Its here that we learn that Odo hangs out in a pail at the back of his office when regenerating. There is something tragic about Odo feeling so detached from humanoid life and makes his eventual integration all the more satisfying.

Community Leader: Business is doing well and he’s (almost) making an honest living. Quark practically salivates at the sight of Dax so her number of admirers is growing by the day. When told he is Odo’s worst enemy he bites back with that is the closest thing Odo has to a friend. I love this partnership and there are so many touches of loyalty and (dare I say it) love between the two rivals throughout the seven years. It’s an engaging love hate friendship played by two actors that adore each other. Quark’s reaction when Odo asks if he needs a shape shifter in his organisation is priceless; he doesn’t know which way to jump!

GE Doctor: Bashir is persistently trying to sneak his way into Dax’s knickers (and to give him his credit by the end of the season he would succeed albeit in a product of his own imagination).

Nine Lives: Dax seems to suggest that Trill’s are above sexual needs but that really jars with the good time girl that beds the most frigid Klingon in town of later years!

The O’Briens: Our first glimpse at the problems besetting Miles and Keiko and their move from the gleaming corridors of the Enterprise to the Station. Keiko does whine a little too much but anybody who has suffered a massive upheaval in their life and had to try and find a way to settle in will recognise what she is going through. I really like the scene with Keiko trying to convince Rom to send Nog to the school (and succeeding), its great to see another neglected TNG character given rare focus.

Young Friends: Another fine pairing is set up in this episode although perhaps not in the smartest of ways. Jake & Nog would turn out to be one of the most vital explorations of opposing cultures in the series, a Ferengi and human that share a bond of friendship that transcends their race.

The Good: The school is a fine idea, seeing this environment turning into a community and giving Keiko a solid role in the series. I love how nothing is forgotten in this series. In the first episode Kira suggested civil war was inevitable and it is followed up in The Homecoming. In A Man Alone Sisko mentions that Keiko opening the school will be a challenge because the children all come from different cultures which is dealt with superbly in the series finale. Hana Hatae is the cutest thing on two legs as Molly.

The Bad: The murder scene itself isn’t very excitingly directed – Alfred Hitchcock would be appalled by the lack of atmospherics (plus I cannot think of anything more skin crawling than having a massage by the web fingered alien). The sequence with the Bolites is a rare example of DS9 going for the comic jugular and failing. DS9 is exactly the sort of place where a mob could easily gather but these scenes fail to convince mostly because the Bajorans are portrayed as weak willed bullies and Sisko’s touchy feeling approach to breaking it up lacks any kind of punch. I’d have had the whole lot of them confined to a cargo bay for a week. The solution to the mystery is a mouthful of technobabble and nobody acts terribly surprised. In true Scooby Doo fashion that killer is hiding under a rubber mask.

Result: A murder mystery without any mystery, A Man Alone is a tired episode which only comes alive when focusing on the developing dynamics between the characters. Odo is so clearly the target of Ibudan’s murder and the effortless way hatred is stirred up against him forces the plot to ignore the idea that there could be any other suspects and then the wrap up is as contrived as it comes with a twist that hasn’t even been hinted at. Fortunately there are an abundance of scenes that see character pairings come together (Jake & Nog, Sisko & Dax, Odo & Quark) and an enjoyable subplot that sees Keiko finding her place on the station. DS9 has a higher hit rate than most in providing an enjoyable b plot when the main storyline fails to engage (especially in series two and three) but that still doesn’t excuse the bulk of the episode falling below par. You expect a few stumbles when a show begins and this one is average but nothing too offensive: 5/10

Code of Honour written by Katharyn Powers & Michael Baron and directed by Russ Mayberry

What’s it about: Tasha Yar and that’s all you need to know to want to turn off.

To Baldly Go: Everything about Picard at this stage is so stiff (get a room guys, that was the last episode) and Patrick Stewart sounds oddly robotic in his voiceovers and displays none of the charm he would in later years. He barks at Wesley on the Bridge like a little Hitler and thinks that Tasha is a rather lovely woman.

Security Chief: Tasha seriously needs to calm down a bit, one of Lutan’s guards tries to give the vaccine to Picard and she beats the crap out of him! Imagine kidnapping somebody as melodramatic as Tasha Yar, I’d return her and ask for a refund. Her characterisation is really uncomfortable; especially when Troi probes her mind to explore the sense of thrill she felt when Lutan claimed her as his own. When you think that Tasha was menaced by rape gangs when she was younger and now she enjoys being desired by an man who treats her as a prize. This is how an enlightened emancipated 24th Century girl thinks when a man treats her as property? And when Yar has a hissy fit I just wanted to tape her mouth shut: ‘Troi you tricked me!’ Was Yar conceived as a deliberately flawed character? She wants to embarrass Lutan’s wife for having the audacity to challenge her! She suggests there is no physical training anywhere that matches Starfleet training which is clearly a crock of shit, I can think of a dozen races that would gobble Yar up, chew her up and spit her out. Data looks forlorn at the thought that Tasha might love Lutan which leads to another cringeworthy admission that she is attracted to the sexist ruler. No wonder Denise Crosby wanted out, this is painful material. What complications is Tasha talking about when rejecting Lutan at the climax?

Boy Genius: Wesley is in the turbolift again just to get a little glimpse of the Bridge – that kid needs to discover pornography. An hour with Quark would sort him out. When Crusher asks to talk to Picard about Wesley it is all he can do to stop himself spitting on the floor. Nog has to work his butt off to earn the right to step into Ops and take a station and Wesley, just like everybody on this damn show, gets it handed on a plate.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘You can create people without a soul?’ is pretty much the punchline for every holodeck episode to come.

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘This is my first woman!’ – ouch!
Apparently women are ‘highly pleasant things but unimportant.’
The weapons are ‘razor sharp and split second lethal!’

The Good: The staging for the fight is impressive, especially the long shot of the arena with the planetary background.

The Bad: Since I am not a fan of TOS so I will place this observation in this category but everything about the arrival of Lutan screams of the Original Series. Tonally, visually and musically it is a tad over the top and camp. I don’t understand why the Federation has to kiss the butt of Lutan and his people when they have just handed over a sample. Would they really be held to a razors edge like this? Battle of the sexes so early in the series run? I seem to recall that Stargate had an episode not long after its pilot that handled similar, quietly insulting, themes. There is a completely random scene thrown in between Geordi and Data about jokes that is pointlessly out of place.

Orchestra: Every twist is punctuated by a ridiculously loud and dramatic sting that has the reverse effect of what it is trying to achieve - blunting the moments.

Result: The most Original Series episode TNG ever produced with its emphasis on a camp and faintly unbelievable alien culture and a dismal handling of sexism and race. There’s even a fake looking sky backdrop. In three episodes alone Tasha Yar takes her place as the least convincing regular character Star Trek has seen (yes that includes Neelix) and her dialogue in this episode is obscenely bad, so much so I was praying for her to trip and impale herself on her poisoned spikes. With its cod Shakespearean dramatics, overacted guest stars (Jessie Lawrence Ferguson doesn’t so much as chew the scenery but devour it whole) and overdone musical stings this is another embarrassment to sit through. My standards must have been very low as a child because I cannot imagine any age group sitting through this entire episode today unless they were a Trek completist. Painful and dull and it’s not even the worst episode of the season. ‘Why aren’t we warping out of here?’ says Picard at the conclusion but I was thinking that for 45 long minutes: 1/10

Parallax written by Brannon Braga and directed by Kim Friedman

What’s it about: Our first temporal anomaly! And its written by Brannon Braga!

Hepburn-a-Like: I’m not sure if Janeway is a bit too officious to be likable as a representative for what Starfleet stands for at this point in the series. Whilst she makes some good points about the need for cohesion and loyalty on the ship she has hardly earned the right to expect it yet and without giving the Marquis members a chance to prove themselves it hardly seems fair to criticise them on past mistakes. Nice to see she got some balls (if you’ll pardon the phrase) and orders them to punch through the anomaly.

Tattoo: Chakotay chews out B’lanna for misbehaving and then informs her she will be Chief Engineer. As written this is a great scene but Robert Beltran doesn’t quite have the authority to pull it off convincingly.

Brilliant B’lanna: I love Torres’ way of handling a difference of opinion – giving Carey a bloody nose! When she tells Janeway her problem at the Academy was a system that didn’t give her the chance to breathe I could have kissed her. Its great to see Janeway and Torres breaking ground and getting excited as they work through a mountain of technobabble together but surely there was a more exciting way to make this work than defeating an anomaly. It’s great for the audience and the character to hear how many people supported Torres at the academy especially considering how much of a chip on her shoulder she has about it. B’lanna is surprisingly magnanimous in her success at earning the Chief Engineer role, if it had been me who was spoken to so rudely by Carey I would have rubbed his (preferably bloody) nose in it.

EMH: He is made up of 200 memories and 47 individuals so if there’s anybody you want around in a medical crisis it’s the EMH. However his bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired. Crusher would bore you to death, Bashir will try and shag you and the EMH will insult you – great choice of Doctors! They never thought the Doctor would be around long enough to warrant a name and it takes him seven years to think of one.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘I’ll try not to break any of their noses.’

The Good: Tuvok mentions the Captain having the authority to put people on trial for misconduct which is an interesting angle to have to take when so far away from the nearest Federation court. Rumours of the Marquis being thrown in the brig and talk of mutiny…this is more like it! Talk of growing their own food and assigning crew members to certain jobs is very healthy, nice to see some thought going into their situation. There’s a fascinating conversation between Janeway and Chakotay about integrating the Marquis into the crew. The Marquis don’t have the training and haven’t earned the right to be in senior positions but they have the ability to get them out of tight spots whereas the Federation officers have worked their butts off to get where they are and might find it hard accepting orders from terrorists. Really interesting stuff and soon to be forgotten. Martha Hackett already stands out more than most of the crew as Seska. Torres tells Janeway that if she picks the wrong Voyager then they will have a long time to debate it. Imagine that? Just Janeway and Torres in a shuttlecraft exploring the Delta Quadrant! Jettisoning Chakotay, Neelix, Harry Kim and the flying toilet lid in one swoop! If only…

The Bad: Voyager doesn’t trust itself enough to give this episode over to the growing tension amongst the crew and so shoves in a technobabble strewn subplot that goes nowhere and chews up time that could be better spent exploring the characters some more. The Doctor turning into a dwarf and Harry Kim’s headaches are hardly the most gripping of side effects for the anomaly of the week. The singularity turns out to be a mirror through time – how dull. Our first encounter with another species after the pilot turns out to be…Voyager! B’lanna makes Chakotay’s name sound like a Chinese town. What the hell is up with that horrible scene at the end with the midget Doctor standing on a chair? Its pulled off again to far better comic effect in Persistance of Vision.

Result: Nice to see that the Marquis repatriation is given some consideration and it’s a relief that Parallax spends half of its running time focussing on Torres because she takes our mind off the debut of the Voyager cliché, the temporal anomaly. You’ve got a tale of two halves here that splits its time between character and technobabble with the former providing a great deal of interest (especially the Janeway/Chakotay scenes which were rarely better) and the latter seeing agonising scenes of nonsensical gobbledegook. Why Neelix and Kes make an appearance is unclear, its clearly a contractual rather than a narrative necessity and exposes a flaw in Star trek that sees extraneous regular characters having to be shoehorned into episodes where they don’t belong. Parallax sees the show running on the spot storytelling wise but at least continues to explore its cast with some interest: 6/10

Past Prologue written by Katharyn Powers and directed by Winrich Kolbe

What’s it about: A Bajoran terrorist seeks asylum on DS9 and has a plan up his sleeve to get rid of the Federation for good…

Single Father: Wowza, there are some fiery exchanges between Sisko and Kira in this story that are hardly the norm for Star Trek. This is one relationship that is going to take a while to settle down. Its nice to see that Sisko can chew out his staff with the best of them – I certainly would not want to get on the wrong side of this guy. The look between Kira and Sisko at the end of the episode speaks volumes and shows how strong these characters already are that we know exactly what they are thinking without them uttering a word.

Tasty Terrorist: The wounds of the Occupation are still very much open and she cannot contain her disgust at the Cardassian ship firing at Tahna’s scout ship. Everything about Kira is severe in this episode; her attitude, her dialogue, even down to aesthetics like her uniform and hair. As soon as Kira goes over Sisko’s head and contacts Starfleet I was thinking ‘you’re in big trouble now…’ Kira sees the Federation as a means to an end, nothing more and that’s a refreshing viewpoint. To be fair to Tahna when he tells Kira that once she gets into her comfortable with the Federation she wont be able to get out he is right. Its great to see the character so conflicted between what she perceives to be her duty to her world and her allegiance to their new allies and it wont be the last time this season Kira is placed in an uncomfortable situation like this. Even though she has had nightmares about some of the terrible things she did as a terrorist at least she new who her enemy was then.

Unknown Sample: Odo’s gruff exterior makes his tenderness with Kira all the more touching. They share a quiet conversation about all her doubts and then he makes her mind up for you. Its exceptional character moments like this that really elevate this show.

GE Doctor: Poor Bashir hops around Ops with his exciting news about Garak and nobody wants to listen to him! He’s hopelessly naïve at this point but its rather fun and the pairing of him and Garak would mine a rich seam of characterisation. O’Brien can barely look at him when he starts gabbling about Federation medical secrets. He’s not very good at this subterfuge lark and actually starts admiring himself in the mirror when he is supposed to keeping an ear cocked for Klingon dodgy deals.

Plain and Simple: Garak makes an immediate impression and would continue to thrive as the series goes through its many phases of development. A simple tailor who (possibly) used to work for the Cardassian Obsidian Order and is (potentially) stationed on DS9 as a spy for his people. That’s a golden character spec. His first scene with Bashir is unforgettable, he is so charmingly camp it seems as though he is almost coming on to the poor chap and in a memorable scene later Garak offers silk lingerie to a Klingon! What’s interesting about the scenes between Garak and the Duras sisters is how much more appealing this fresh Cardassian character is compared to the old TNG stalwarts. It shows great promise for future guest roles in the series.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘I’m so glad to have made such an interesting new friend today.’
‘Go over my head again and I’ll have yours on a platter!’

The Good: There is something about the fixed location of DS9 that means you barely notice when they have bottle shows. When TNG and VOY do all on the ship shows it feels like an exercise in budget saving because their mission statements are to constantly move on and see what’s out there but with DS9 a station bound story feels perfectly natural. Its an instant example that Sisko and his Federation officers cannot simply walk away from the problems they face in Bajoran space like the spaceship set series can. The Bajoran/Cardassian conflict is here to stay and its about time we saw a Star Trek show tackle that sort of long term problem. O’Brien’s quiet exchange about the Cardassians with Sisko in Ops shows the benefit of having such distinct personalities on board. I love all the nonsense about Bashir buying a new suit, its exactly Garak’s style to lure the young Doctor into his shop with such an obvious and irreverent cover story. The plotlines dovetail beautifully towards the climax with the reason for the Cardassians pursuing Tahna and the purpose of the Duras sisters coming together to form a gripping terror plot to destroy the wormhole and ensure Bajoran independence. Nice to see there is plenty of room in a Runabout for a good punch up (although I don’t like seeing a woman getting punched in the face so violently!).

The Bad: Whilst it isn’t unpleasant to see Lursa and B’tor on DS9 and to see what they are up to it still feels like a ploy to bring TNG fans over to give the new show a chance. With Q, Vash and Mrs Troi still to turn up in season one DS9 is playing it safe before forging its own unique identity. How comes Odo can change himself into something as small as a rat? Where does the rest of him go?

Myth Building: The Kohn’ma are an extremist Bajoran terrorist group that even the Provisional Government were refusing to repatriate.

Result: Highlighting Kira’s character proves that she is one to watch and considering the little screen time she has had the character is already developing significantly. Past Prologue is a strong episode on two counts, introducing Garak and for exploring meatier themes than they would usually touch on TNG. Andrew Robinson is a delight as the Cardassian tailor, like no character we have ever seen before and it came as a surprise that it took an entire year before we saw him again. The uneasy alliance between the Bajorans and the Federation is encapsulated in Kira and Sisko and their tasty conflict makes for a refreshing change from the usual touchy feely relationships seen on Trek shows. Whilst there are a fair few stumbles in the first season of DS9 this gripping little thriller shows no signs of a show in its infancy. Engaging political drama would turn out to be one of the series strengths: 8/10

The Naked Now written by Michael Bingham and directed by Paul Lynch

What’s it about: A virus that makes everybody pissed hits the Enterprise with catastrophic results…

To Baldly Go: Picard makes a pretty unconvincing drunk and the scenes of Beverley and Picard trying to resist each other are painful to watch.

Number One: While everybody else is flirting, shagging and generally having a good time poor Riker is having to control his urges and save the ship.

Fully Functional: Unemotional Data displays a large number of emotions in this story from a look of shock at the demise of the Tsiokovksy’s crew, worry that he may have sounded like he was bragging, smirking at Captain Picard when he discovers the answers to the origins of the virus and a sexual need with Tasha Yar. Hang on…Dr Soong programmed Data with a broad range of pleasuring techniques? Really? When did he think that would ever come in useful? Whilst the scene itself is excruciating Data’s sexual encounter with Tasha does set up some touching development for the character when she dies later in the season. His pratfall on the Bridge made me laugh. Data gets the best scene in the episode with his isolinear chip magic trick.

Blind Engineer: Geordi longing to be able to see in human ways is quite a telling statement and I wonder how much of that was his real yearning and how much was the disease.

Alien Empath: Needless to say the improvements to Troi’s look are all positive from the more severe hair in a bun to her dark all in one uniform. Thank goodness because I don’t think I could have taken her seriously in that miniskirt. Rather than simply walking her to sickbay Riker picks her up and carries her there. I would have thought their romantic feelings would have been explored more in this sort of episode but there are far more important things going on like Wesley Crusher saving the day.

Security Chief: Just what Tasha needed to force her to unwind for a bit, a virus that makes you permanently intoxicated! It’s odd that the first place she heads is Troi’s quarters, holding her hands and trying on her clothes. Hopefully this is the only time Tasha’s sexual exploits will be broadcast on the Bridge intercom. She was five when she was abandoned but she learned how to avoid the rape gangs – wow where did that come from?

Boy Genius: Just as I was thinking making a mini tractor beam is a pretty nifty idea Wesley goes and ruins but proving what a total swot he really is by piecing together various Picard intercom messages to make it sound like he is giving Wesley orders! Acting Captain Wesley Crusher? Are you kidding me? If this was DS9 he would have been chucked out of the nearest airlock when this was over.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Well hello Enterprise, I hope you have a lot of pretty boys on board because I’m willing and able!’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘Help me to not give in to the wild things in my mind!’ ‘Geordi my job is security!’ – what an odd exchange and Tasha's line has to go down in Trek history as one of the most bizarre responses.
‘Effective immediately I have handed control of this vessel to Acting Captain Wesley Crusher!’
‘Because you have lost the capacity for self-judgement. Now alcohol does this Wesley.’
‘I’m a woman, I haven’t had the comfort of a husband, a man!’ ‘Not now Doctor…please!’ is a Crusher/Picard exchange!
‘It was an adult who did it!’
‘Did he say Wesley? The boy?’

The Good: The early scenes of the away team exploring the eerily quiet SS Tsiokovksy are rather atmospheric with some blood red lighting and a winding shot of the bridge with the emergency hatch blown.

The Bad: ‘What we just heard is impossible’ says Data of an emergency hatch being blown. Unlikely maybe, but impossible? More frozen people – did they have a special offer on the snow effects machine? Surely the oddest request anyone has ever given Data is to look through all known records for an instance of somebody showering in their clothing! Its never actually specifically suggested that the virus promotes a sexual need, only intoxication so does that mean this is a sign that the repressive Starfleet chain of command actually disguises a crew of intergalactic horny devils? The scene of Picard explaining the dangers of alcoholism to Wesley on the Bridge is the last thing that this series needs – the tone is condescending and childish. Poor Worf is the only person that nobody seems to want to jump on – he must have a terrible complex! Imagine if that giant rock had smashed the Enterprise to smithereens, what an embarrassing way to go! The ending once again is patronisingly simple with everybody getting a quick jab and then off to our next destination with no consequences beyond ‘it didn’t happen’!

Result: Odd to have an episode where all the main cast act out of character before we have even had the chance to get to know them. This script would have been chucked in the bin a few years later and it’s a staggering knock to the shows reputation that they could have an episode with a sex virus and Wesley Crusher taking control of the ship so early in the shows run – surely two of the most desperate plot devices imaginable. There are a few scant laughs along the way but The Naked Now is mostly made up of one cringe-inducing scene after another that fails to hit the spot. We really aren’t seeing these characters at their best which is a shame because they have much to offer. As much as people want to praise Gene Roddenberry for his vision of TNG if the last two scripts are an example of how he saw the show I’m amazed it made it off the drawing board. Failing to be funny or sexy, The Naked Now is a dismal failiure and irritatingly DS9 also had a stab at this sort of episode and it was even worse: 3/10

Caretaker written by Jeri Taylor & Micheal Piller and directed by Winrich Kolbe

What’s it about: Catapulted halfway across the galaxy by an alien Caretaker looking for a compatible species to continue its work, the crew of the USS Voyager begin their journey home…

Hepburn-a-Like: Have you ever watched the scenes on the first season DVD that show Guiniveve Bujold playing Janeway? She is impossibly stiff in the role and whilst there is an element of authority in her portrayal there is none of the warmth and class that Kate Mulgrew imbued Janeway with. I find Mulgrew (until Jeri Ryan joined in series four) one of the shows strongest assets and her wonderful, gravel voiced characterisation makes even the dullest episode worth tuning in for (just). The love me/love my dog conversation between Kathryn and Mark is very sweet and strengthens the feeling of loss when she is thrown across the galaxy. Janeway’s decision to destroy the array and prevent their escape back to the Alpha Quadrant is a tough one and we do see it weighing heavily on her shoulders in later episodes but it’s a shame that this life changing decision doesn’t cause a fractious relationship between her and her crew. How ironic for a character who spends seven years lecturing the Prime Directive to so blatantly disregard its rules, changing the balance of power in this entire Quadrant. Frankly the Ocampa are so deadly dull I would have left them to their fate.

Tattoo: One of the blandest characters in all of Trek, I cannot think of a single episode that centres on this character that I have enjoyed (and some of them – Unforgettable, The Fight – are dreadful). Chakotay crashing the Marquis ship into the Kazon ship is just about the most interesting thing has character ever does.

EMH: The Doctor makes an instant impact and it would have been a crime to have had him replaced. Oddly it is a holographic character that enjoys the most development in Voyager and his journey (and Robert Picardo’s interpretation of it) is a joy to watch. Interesting that Janeway unthinkingly ends the EMH in front of a roomful of people. Nobody treats him as a person in his own right yet, he is just a tool.

Brilliant B’lanna: After Mulgrew Roxan Dawson is my favourite performer in this show and when she isn’t being overwritten as a moody Klingon you will see some terrific performances over the shows run. Her character trait, struggling to control her bestial nature, is a clever one that always allows us to sympathise with her. The first season saw that hand being overplayed slightly but come series two she is easily the most watchable character. It’s a shame that her dismissal of Starfleet is forgotten as soon as she is given a decent enough position (there are a few digs but nothing as consistently succinct as Quark or Garak in DS9) and that her role as a terrorist wasn’t brought up in some grittier stories. B’lanna only made it into the second year of the Academy so when (and if) they make it home her honorary title of Chief Engineer may be stripped from her (although that is a discussion for another episode…).

Parisian Rogue: Why oh why didn’t they simply call the character Nicholas Locarno since he is played by the same actor from First Duty and is in exactly the sort of situation he would have been in. It would have been a lovely touch of continuity between the two shows. Still the idea of Janeway breaking someone out of prison to help them with their mission to capture terrorists has an edge to it that I appreciate. The trouble with this show is the characterisation of the regulars practically devolves over its seven years. Tom Paris starts out as a boyish rogue with a chip on his shoulder but it only takes a year or two before he is a neutered Starfleet good boy with virtually no edge to him. Paris doesn’t mind if a hot chick is a hologram, he’s just out for a good time. His saving of Chakotay is an interesting plot thread that isn’t really explored in any depth (beyond a double bluff in series two).

Mr Vulcan: Tuvok gets a great introduction as a Federation spy infiltrating the Marquis. His is another character that gets rather stuck in the mud over the years. Tuvok immediately shows his disdain for Neelix in a painfully unfunny scene involving a half eaten banquet and a bath. It’s a relationship that would plague the series until its conclusion (well the episode before its conclusion) and prove that you just can’t do it like Spock & McCoy and Odo and Quark.

Spotted Dick: Poor Ethan Philips. He was never world’s best actor but he deserved far more than being lumbered with a character as irritating and unloved as Neelix for seven years. To give Piller & Ryan their due they do make an attempt in Caretaker to make the character cheeky and a bit irreverent but as soon as he is accepted into the crew at the end of this episode that’s it. He becomes a Starfleet drone, his character is literally disembowelled and he is left with no guts, no edge at all just the Prime Directive in their place. Such a shame because if DS9 had proven anything, it was that there was outstanding comic potential in an alien character like Neelix. When we first meet him he is literally a scavenging rat, scampering around inside a wrecked spaceship. He seems to be assembled from all the most annoying parts of other Star Trek aliens, except the hair…that is in a style disaster league all of its own. He tricks Janeway into taking him to Kes and holds a gang of violent Kazon hostage. It would be rare for him to show such initiative in the future.

Elfin Chick: Beaten and scarred and Neelix’s girlfriend, how much suffering can one woman take?

Forever Ensign: Astonishing that in seven years Harry Kim goes nowhere. Its like the character is stuck in stasis, always an eager young nobody who wants to grow up and advance his career but never quite making it up the next step of the ladder. Paris is promoted and demoted, hooks up with B’lanna and has a kid in the time that Harry Kim gets no development whatsoever. Take his first scene and his last scene in this series and he is exactly the same person doing exactly the same things. The first scene is supposed to show Kim as an inexperienced ensign being fleeced by Quark but what I really wanted was for Kim to be left behind and for Quark to leap on board. He’s so much more fun. Is there anything more annoying than a young man desperately eager to please? A brotherly connection seems instant between Paris and Kim but (and I know I keep comparing but its impossible not to do so) DS9’s O’Brien and Bashir is better written and developed and is frankly a whole lot more watchable.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Mr Kim, at ease before you strain something.’
‘It’s a fine crew and I’ve got to get them home.’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘Do you always fly at women at warp speed, Mr Paris?’ ‘Only if they are in visual range.’ That is one bad chat up line.

The Good: A nice action packed opening but not a patch on the battle of Wolf 359 that opened DS9. Its great to see the Marquis storyline spilling out into three Star Trek shows, there is a definite feeling that they all exist within one universe each adding a little depth to the others. The station makes an appearance and the torch once again being passed between shows. Unfortunately 20 minutes into its pilot episode Voyager has its only notable development (aside from a crossover of female characters in season four) – the ship is kicked into another quadrant and the Doctor, First Officer and a random Betazoid (thank goodness, imagine if we had been stuck with another Troi?) are all murdered. So hurrah for Michael Piller for pushing the show into a gripping direction and playing about with our expectations in the pilot episode and boo hiss to Brannon Braga and Rick Berman for failing to progress the show beyond the point it reaches at the end of this episode. How satisfying to watch Harry Kim being skewered! I love all the tension on the bridge between Chakotay, Tuvok and Paris – this is the sort of thing DS9 thrives upon so why did Voyager fail to capitalise on it? The Ocampan underground city is impressively realised and like all Star trek premieres Voyager impresses with its sense of scale in its pilot.

The Bad: Unfortunately the first officer that Janeway already has looks like he has more balls in one episode than Chakotay managed to muster in seven years. A shame we had to do the switch. All three pilot episodes see the new crew having an encounter with a Godlike entity that changes their mission statement dramatically – whilst DS9 improved on the TNG attempt, VOY feels like it is taking a step backwards. I’m sure it has been said before but Voyager looks unfortunately like a toilet lid. The farmhouse sequences are certainly odd but I’m not convinced they are any more convincing than the courtroom scenes in Encounter at Farpoint. The Kazon’s look like cut price Klingons and whilst they are initially considered the new big bad of Star Trek they never really get out of their infancy (although their longing for Federation technology is a new angle worth exploring). The sequence on the staircase seems to go on forever and isn’t the most dynamic of visually appealing of set pieces.

Myth Building: The Caretakers are explorers from another galaxy and they had no idea that their technology would be so destructive to the Ocampan atmosphere. They could never repay the debt and so two of the Caretakers stayed behind to feed them energy and water. One of them is still out there somewhere…

Orchestra: I like the horror movie horns that kick in when the crew are surrounded by pitchfork wielding yokels. There’s an eerie whistling that plays over Harry and B’lanna waking up in the Ocampan laboratory.

Result: What strikes me immediately about Caretaker is the amount of promise it shows. You’ve got a strong female Captain, a crew consisting of terrorists, criminals, aliens and a holographic Doctor and the ship that is lost and alone in an unchartered area of space. Surely this is going to be the most gripping and fascinating Star Trek series yet? Caretaker boasts a huge scale and sets up its characters and the series ethos with some aplomb, only failing when it tries to tell a standard Star Trek plot of a benevolent Godlike entity dying. The first half is far more interesting than the second which peters off into some unengaging action and the introduction of a pretty disappointing new villainous species. However for its ambition and developments Voyager’s pilot should be commended and I only have one question after the creative and character building way the creators assemble this crew. What went wrong?: 8/10