What’s it about: Chasing a Ferengi cruiser with stolen property, the Enterprise gets caught in a planetary atmosphere with its power draining…Mr Wolf: ‘For battle come to me!’ cries Worf who in four stories hasn’t had one ounce of development or exploration.
Blind Engineer: For some reason and for one episode only Geordi is behaving like a jiving MC Hammer engineer, jigging with his hands and spouting funky dialogue and exclaiming ‘oo-wee!’ when a plan comes together!
Security Chief: The sooner this psychotic woman is replaced the better. She suggests the (impractical and provocative) plan of blasting their way free.
Dancing Doctor: Any chance she gets she will try and murder her annoying pipsqueak of a son and when the Enterprise is drained of power she plans on sedating him. At least that’s how any sane person would interpret it. Its not the last time this season that somebody would want to give Wesley a little prick to send him to sleep. Everyone is quite loose with their feelings in the first season and Crusher strokes Picard’s face in the Bridge once power is restored (does anybody ever call him Jean without the Luc again?).
Dreadful Dialogue: ‘Dammit critters!’ cries Worf when he is nibbled at by a Ferengi!
‘These crystalline tree shapes are actually energy collectors!’ – what is up with people on this show stating the bleeding obvious?
The Good: The holographic table in the conference room is pretty nifty but I can understand why they stuck to a screen in future seasons.
The Bad: ‘Immobilised by the damn Ferengi’ spits Worf vocalising my thoughts exactly. When you compare it to TNG’s next attempt to create a big bad in season two with the Borg, the Ferengi's efforts to force the Enterprise to turn round and face them is actually little more than a minor inconvenience. On the Enterprise scanner large enough for even the bloke standing at the back of the Bridge to see is a huge planet and a much smaller spaceship. Picard and his lackeys spend ten minutes trying to outthink the ship and it takes Troi (of all people) to suggest that perhaps the planet is responsible and not the spaceship. It’s amazing that this ship made it out of Space dock. Picard surrenders to a Ferengi vessel, what an embarrassing thing for him to think back upon. Why do the Ferengi sit so close to their cameras? The Damon’s face fills the entire screen in a jarring, visually unspectacular exchange. Its interesting to note that at the same sort of time Doctor Who was creating planets as realistic and visually arresting as Segonax, Lakertya and the Cheetah Planet and yet Star Trek with its larger budget instead opts for a hideously unconvincing studio backdrop.
The precipice that Riker shouts out across isn’t even as realistic looking as a similar scene in The Daleks when the travellers discover the Dalek City. These Ferengi manage to overpower Worf! If only Quark knew about this he could have enjoyed winding him up for evermore. I remember an interview with Armin Shimerman when he apologised for his horrid performance in this episode and was determined to get it right when he was cast in Deep Space Nine and yet he gives the strongest performance of the three on the planet. It’s not great but its better than the squeaky voiced pair he’s lumbered with. A ghostly Godlike being again? There are plenty of those buggers about aren’t there? Riker tells the representative of the Tkon Empire that their time has gone and when he begs to differ he gets Data to read out the historical records – I would just say ‘Hello! I’m right here!’ Mordock does the oddest camp dance movements with his hands sort of a cross between the Child Catcher and an extremely camp bloke mincing down the highstreet! Riker quotes a little Sun Tzu and the episode is over? Did I miss something? Moment To Watch Out For: Jonathan Frakes who demonstrates how a true action hero should fall when he is struck down by a Ferengi whip.
Myth Building: The Ferengi display the worst characteristics of human capitalists – let the buyer beware. Their portrayal in the episode leaves a lot to be desired and they don’t seem to work as either comedy stooges or villainous nasties. The sequence that sees them madly jumping on the backs of our heroes and trying to eat them is one of the most surreal moments in Star Trek. At least they get one thing right – these Ferengi find the idea of a clothed female going to work sickening. Whilst Riker tries to bang home the moral in the last scene the Ferengi are literally running around them doing the strangest of dance movements! It’s absolutely hilarious for all the wrong reasons.
Result: Ladies and Gentleman may I introduce you to your new terrifying villains…the Ferengi! In another universe where the design and performances were different it might have worked but the truth is the scariest thing this bunch of pantomime trolls do is an odd disco dancing routine with their hands. If I was watching this series new I would have given up by now, this is another tragic failiure of an episode and there simply is no sign that the quality is ever going to improve. The whole episode works on the idea that the Enterprise is in desperate danger from this Godlike entity of the week and yet Riker manages to woo him with little more than a single line of Chinese philosophy! Add to that one of the least convincing planetary backdrops and a general lack of atmosphere and intelligent dialogue, TNG’s first season continues to lack any conviction. The episode even ends on an inevitable and unfunny gag: 2/10
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