The Cloud written by Tom Szollosi & Michael Piller and directed by David Livingston

What’s it about: Voyager enters an anomaly. Copy and paste as many times as you like through the shows run…

Hepburn-a-Like: Janeway has always been comfortable with a distance between herself and a crew but trapped in the Delta Quadrant she is no longer allowed that luxury. Paris thinks that Captains don’t want to courtesy, they want respect. Janeway is clearly fishing for an invite to join them but rubbishy Starfleet protocol prevents either Kim or Paris from asking her. All she wants is a cup of coffee in the morning (something I can fully appreciate) and instead she gets a lecture from Neelix about setting an example to the crew and a cup of his unbelievably foul looking slop. Janeway’s flittery embarrassment at his compliments and sudden desperate leap out of the Mess Hall when she is presented with ‘better than coffee’ are two more priceless Kate Mulgrew moments. She’s really found her groove very quickly. Whilst I enjoy seeing the Captain and the First Officer discussing the well-being of the crew it’s odd that they should be whispering so publicly on the Bridge! Janeway rudely mutes the EMH on Bridge. Janeway knocks them out at the pool table in a nicely directed scene.

First Officer: Chakotay’s animal guide is a girl. His American Indian mythology has no place in Star Trek and fails to make his character any more interesting.

Spotted Dick: Neelix might not be the first person I would listen to when being hyper critical of Janeway’s decisions but his rant about her insane behaviour when faced with an anomaly does hold some weight. The first snog on the ship goes to Neelix, there’s something very wrong with that! He appoints himself as morale officer aboard the ship which should be enough to convince half the crew to disembark at their next stop.

Forever Ensign: Only somebody as wet as Harry Kim could enjoy wearing an eye mask in bed because it reminds him of being inside his mothers womb! When asked if he wants a tipple at Sandrines Harry ‘the chump’ Kim asks for a cup of tea. Everything about this kid seems to be geared at reminding the audience that he is inexperienced and desperate to please. He always looked so pained every time somebody reprimands him – you want to tell him to grow a backbone.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘There’s coffee in that nebula!’
‘Dismissed. That’s a Starfleet expression for get out.’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘I’ve never kissed anybody inside a nebulae before…’

The Good: Of all the various holosuite programmes of the year Sandrines was by far the most atmospheric and enjoyable (but then nothing could be much worse than the hideous Hawaiian one or worse…Fair Haven!). B’lanna tried to murder her animal guide so I’m guessing she thought as much of this nonsense as I do.

The Bad: Kim and Tuvok gossiping across the Bridge probably looked like a good idea on paper but lacks humour in its realisation. The scenes of the crew trying to break through the Cloud aren’t about anything – it’s just line after line of techno speak without a single drop of charm. The scene where Tom wakes Harry up is filmed like a horror murder scene and I have no idea why. Why are they so resistant to head out on location on this show? Rather than film a short scene on a beach instead we get Janeway clearly superimposed over one.

Anomalies: Since we will be encountering so many of these beasties throughout Voyager’s run I thought it would be fun to give them their own little section in the reviews! We spent a whole episode going through an anomaly in Parallax and now we spend an entire episode trying to escape from one! Shouldn’t these babies make the crew have crazy hallucinations of something, anything to make the experience more palatable? This nebulae is a life form that they have injured in escaping and oddly it takes Neelix to question whether that is actually a good idea.

Foreboding: The Doctor jokes to Torres that if he had the ability to programme himself he would raise a family. To prove that an idea is never wasted on this show (even one like ‘lets do a WWF style smack down in space!’) this was followed up in Real Life. B’lanna calls Paris a pig which is all the sign you need that these two would end up in bed together one day.

Result: As a good example of how disposable the main plot of The Cloud is I left to make a cup of tea during the climax as the ship was buffered by electricity and didn’t miss a thing. You might have the feeling of déjà vu throughout this episode because it is pretty much Parallax II – an anomaly threatens the ship as crew get to know each other a little better. Some the character work is serviceable (usually any scene featuring Janeway) but other moments see characters failing to make an impression (Harry Kim needs to die and Chakotay shouldn’t be too far behind). Overall this is about as vanilla as Star Trek comes but at least it ends on a pleasing sentiment: 5/10

Lonely Among Us written by D.C Fontana and directed by Cliff Bole

What’s it about: A lost entity takes possession of Picard's mind…

To Baldly Go: Clearly Picard didn’t think too much of Mr Singh because 30 seconds after his death he is delighted to hear that the Enterprise can warp off again. I’m glad he isn’t my boss! Love Picard putting his feet up on his desk when he is taken over, he could do with letting go a bit more often. Patrick Stewart is awesome as he walks around the Bridge explaining away the plot of the story; his background in theatre has ensured that he is at his best when able to play a scene to a crowd.

Alien Empath: Not content with probing people’s minds without their say so now Deanna is performing hypnosis on the crew. She really is a nosy cow.

Fully Functional: Whilst it is quite fun to see Data puffing on a pipe, it really isn’t appropriate to be arsing around during a murder investigation. Once again Data is showing more emotion than some the crew – especially his cute ‘my dear Riker, sir…’ Riker lets him get away with his Sherlock Holmes pastiche but at least Picard slaps his wrist.

Boy Genius: Its great to be able to see Beverley and Wesley in their quarters together behaving like a vaguely normal family. Why hasn’t Wesley been given a uniform to perform his duties on the Bridge? To see him lounging on that leather chair in a jumper makes this ship look as if its some kind of holiday cruise for kids.

Dancing Doctor: Oh dear, Beverley is taken over by the creature and behaves in a zombie like fashion but I cannot see any significant difference to how Gates McFadden usually plays her. I can’t wait until Pulaski comes along to shake this crew up a bit.

The Good: The snakelike Selay are beautifully made creatures, by far the best we have seen yet in the series and it is a shame that they never returned. As these things go that’s not a bad teaser with Worf attacked by a sudden shock of blue lightning. I’ve certainly seen far worse. I love the idea of these two political factions having their own little hunt on the Enterprise. It’s a shame that the episode wasn’t giving over to that far more entertaining subplot. Poor O’Brien is stuck between the two bitter enemies when they come face to face in a corridor! I was cheering with joy when the Picard controlled creature shot electricity and incapacitated the whole crew! It’s a striking visual and its nice to see characters as useless as Troi, Tasha and Beverley (oh gosh that sounds so sexist but they really are the worst characters on this show!) being tortured!

The Bad: What is wrong with these Starfleet Captains? If you encounter a mysterious cloud or anomaly…go around it! How many engineers are there on the Enterprise? In the last episode it was a bearded Scot called Argyle and now it’s an Indian called Singh! In comparison to the Selay the Antikan’s look vaguely ridiculous with giant furry gloves and puppet like mouths. It all gets a bit ridiculous when Picard decides to beam out into space and become one with the energy cloud and then roams around in the Enterprise circuitry but compared to some of the things we have already seen this year it is practically mundane. Obviously the Selay/Antikan conflict is just supposed to be background colour because we don’t find out why they are fighting or how the peace negations work out. Riker demands that Tasha stops reporting of a missing delegate and a puddle of blood found to say hello to Captain Picard! How relaxed are they on this ship?

Moment To Watch Out For: Mr Singh’s incredible death scene where he is struck by the lightning entity, judders about and throws himself about half a mile across Engineering before hanging over the edge of the warp core.

Orchestra: For the most part the music in this episode is subtle and spooky which is something of a minor miracle in the loud and proud first season.

Result: Considering it has two underdeveloped and largely unintelligible plotlines, Lonely Among Us isn’t that bad. We have already had a story where a virus passing from one character to another and ultimately we learn nothing about this entity and so there seems little point in this exercise aside from to allow the regulars to act out of character (again). On the plus side the majority of the crew are a knats whisker away from looking comfortable in their parts and Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner in particular have settled down considerably since the pilot. What really helps is Cliff Bole’s strong direction and a halfway creepy musical score both of which create more atmosphere than the story deserves. It’s not going to win any awards for innovation but this is an undemanding, fairly entertaining bit of nonsense: 6/10

Captive Pursuit written by Jill Sherman Donner & Michael Piller and directed by Corey Allen

What’s it about: O'Brien befriends an alien involved in a deadly hunt…

Single Father: Nice to see Sisko bearing his teeth again after a couple of episodes of fannying about. He tears into the leader of the aliens with real gusto and then chews out O’Brien in the sparkling final scene that shows that he can at least think outside of the dull Starfleet box. ‘Another stunt like that and your wife wont have to complain about the conditions here anymore!’ – phew, go Sisko!

Everyday Engineer: Frankly even if O’Brien wasn’t the engineer I would still send him on his own to go an meet the first new species from the Gamma Quadrant, he’s so damn down to Earth! When he walks along the Promenade O’Brien thinks he is living in the flea market of the sector. It’s in his nature to take the piss out of people and Tosk is the most natural straight man he has met in ages so it is doubly irresistible. I love how O’Brien talks right over Bashir when he tries to help, their relationship would be very different when they get to know each other. O’Briens dilemma is touching played by Colm Meaney and its all the more convincing because he clearly has a great respect for the Prime Directive but his feelings towards Tosk are even stronger. The way he bends the rules to allow him to free Tosk and satisfy Starfleet conduct of non-interference is inspired. I have to admit when the smoking bodies started piling up I was thinking how the hell is O’Brien going to talk his way out of this one?

Community Leader: Quark continues to be the black sheep of the Star Trek universe, this time demanding sexual favours from his employees! He offers Tosk an adventure in the holosuite full of excitement and sex! The scene between O’Brien and Quark once again shows what a bright idea it was to place so emphasis on the bar and its Ferengi owner, it gives the show some real colour.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Piece of cake. Ram Scoop. Abernauts.’
‘You sleep a full third of your rotation, you rest and relax when you are awake…Alpha Quadrant has far too much down time.’
‘Die with honour, O’Brien.’

The Good: This is the first of two very impressive alien characters that Scott McDonald would play in DS9 (the second being in the even better episode Rocks & Shoals from series six). His performance is wonderfully nuanced with tiny movements of the head and body to suggest his dissociation from his natural habitat and his wonder at the new environment he has found himself in. There are lots of little moments like how he recoils when the computer talks to him, looks in awe at Quark and stares agog into the drink put in front of him. The make up is phenomenal too with his reptilian features stretching down his neck and into his costume with lots of tiny segmented pieces adding to overall effect of the mask. Everything about these new aliens feels fresh from their ability to turn invisible, their striking scanning beams and their incredibly destructive weaponry (and they can catch phaser beams in their arms and redistribute the energy, how awesome is that?). To show just how alien these creatures are the most humiliating thing that could possibly happen to Tosk is that he can be captured and taken home alive. The episode skilfully builds Tosk up as a potential threat and before revealing he is the ultimate victim. How embarrassing to be dragged through a public place wearing a collar! Odo’s gentle stroll back to the security office to stop Tosk is a lovely touch that only DS9 could pull off this well. You’ve got aliens flying off the top level of the Promenade, scanners tearing through bulkheads, explosions and slaughter in the corridors – it’s a very satisfying conclusion.

The Bad: This might feel like a random observation but it is something about Star Trek that gets on my nerves. I hate it when the direction of a show points to a plot twist before it has even happened and there is an example in Captive Pursuit that happens all the time across all of the Star Trek shows. Whenever there is a camera angle that features a character to one side of the screen and there is a huge amount of space to the other side of them you know that something is about to appear. It happened in Encounter at Farpoint when Q appeared behind Picard and it happens here when Tosh appears behind O’Brien. I know it’s a small thing to complain about but stories should not be visually predictable.

Moment To Watch Out For: As DS9 was pitched as something like a western town in space with a Sheriff’s office (the Security office), bar (Quark’s) and church (the Temple) its great to see a proper western stand off in this episode where the Federation and the aliens walk towards each other on the dusty streets (the Promenade). To add to the feel the gunplay is genuinely impressive and the security doors are literally blown to pieces!

Myth Building: 300 people live on the station, more or less. In the future passage through the wormhole will be considered out of bounds for the hunt.

Orchestra: The music in the early seasons of DS9 is adequate with only a few episodes with standout examples. It would from series four onwards that the various composer really up their game and provide some very memorable music. I do like the quirky score as Tosk explores the station and the action scenes are giving some weight with a pulse pounding score in this episode.

Result: Something unknown, mysterious and exciting comes through the wormhole – this is more like it! Captive Pursuit is a fine piece of writing which offers an intriguing mystery and an exciting resolution with plenty opportunities for action and a touching spotlight on O’Brien. The first half of the episode slowly builds up the relationship between O’Brien and Tosk before the rest of his people arrive to hunt him down and the pyrotechnics begin! Corey Allen provides some fine action sequences that really have some punch and yet still keeps the focus on the central relationship climaxing in a very sweet ending that sees O’Brien defy authority to help his friend escape. I really love that the tear jerking conclusion works through nothing but retrained performances and that Tosk manages to remain an alien character throughout (had this been TNG he would have been happily humanised by the conclusion). Well paced with some dynamic sequences and DS9’s own brand of exceptional character work, Captive Pursuit gets two thumbs up from me: 9/10

Phage written by Brannon Braga, Timothy Dehaas & Skye Dent and directed by Winrich Kolbe

What’s it about: Neelix is relieved of his lungs by a disease stricken species…

Hepburn-a-Like: It seems very right for Janeway to give over her private dining room to the crew to socialise in and have their food cooked for them. Nice to see the Captain being reckless to help a member of her crew. Mulgrew aces the scene where she confronts the Vidiians, initially shocked and angry and slowly growing to understand their plight to the point of holding back tears before once again unleashing her anger. She cuts to each emotion with absolute conviction.

Spotted Dick: His speciality is making something out of nothing and our reaction mirrors Janeway’s that Neelix could think up something this innovative. Whilst he is clearly a pain in Janeway’s butt she is already showing signs of warming towards him but then I suppose that can’t be helped when he has had his lungs ripped out. For 20 minutes or so I actually found myself sympathising with Neelix for the impossible situation he has found himself in but then he starts displaying what would consume any likeability his character may have ever possessed – his jealousy of Paris and Kes. Its unusual that they chose Neelix for this episode (it was probably because they thought the audience would fall in love with him from the outset) and it won’t be the last time that he tries to commit suicide before the series is over. The sequence where he hyperventilates and suffers a claustrophobic attack is quite uncomfortable to watch because it would be easy to imagine how stifling that situation would be.

Elfin Chick: Again the best moments of character belong to Kes who forcefully steps in and demands an explanation before the Doctor performs experimental surgery on Neelix. It’s odd because I was never really convinced by Kes’ unwavering loyalty towards Neelix (even though Jennifer Lien has a damn good stab at it) and yet when she finally gets around to dumping him I didn’t like her character at all. Kes beautifully affirms the Doctor’s very first step towards independence, telling him he will have to learn like the rest of them. She bravely donates a lung for Neelix because she wants to do something for him for once. By sticking Kes and the Doctor together you have two of the strongest characters on this show working together, it’s a promising new direction for both characters.

EMH: The Doctor’s plan to create a pair of holographic lungs is pretty inspired and proves he is able to innovate as well as act as the ships medic. Neelix asks the Doctor if he is programmed to sing and he throws him a dirty look. Maybe he kept this in the back of his mind because this suggestion would lead to some of the series best (Tinker Tenor Doctor Spy) and worst (Virtuoso) moments. There is no Doctor, no nurse and no counsellor on board and the EMH is trying to cope with the job of all three. By the end of the episode you can see he is starting to assert himself and that he might have found a friend amongst the crew.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘He’s just one big hormone walking around the ship’ – whilst Neelix’s jealousy of Paris never really worked you can’t fault his summing up of his character!
‘So now I am left with the same choice you made. Whether to commit murder to save a life or to allow my own crewman to die while you breathe air through his lungs.’
‘Take a message to your people. If I ever encounter your kind again, I will do whatever is necessary to protect my people from this harvesting of yours. Any aggressive action against this ship or its crew will be met by the deadliest of force.’ – such was the intensity of Mulgrew’s performance I recoiled from the TV.

The Good: Winrich Kolbe is one of the most efficient Star Trek directors and with a scene as simple as Neelix exploring a darkened cavern he manages to provide more atmosphere and chills than anything we have seen from the series so far. Look at the sweeping camerawork as Neelix moves to Sickbay, this is the work of a gifted director. It was in this episode that I noticed what a visually appealing set Voyager’s sickbay is – it stands out because of the impressive lighting. Everything about heading into the crevice in the asteroid is a great idea from showing off Paris’ piloting expertise to the cute exchange between Janeway and Tuvok and visually it shows the series trying something a bit different. The chamber with the hundreds of Voyagers being reflected is far better than the similar scene in Parallax, looking for a needle in a haystack would be easier. The almost invisible use of Seska before she explodes into her own character arc is an astonishing amount of foresight for a series that never usually tries this sort of thing. There is a real Frankenstein’s monster feel to the Vidiian make up; their faces literally look like they have been made up of parts of different races.

Moment To Watch Out For: There is a startling visual when the phaser beam is reflected around the cavern.

Myth Building: A disease attacked the Vidiian over two millennia ago and has been consuming their bodies ever since. The disease adapts and resists all attempts to destroy it so these organ snatchers lure unsuspecting victims and strip them of their parts. It’s so remarkably grotesque I’m surprised a show like Voyager got away with it. Before the Phage consumed them the Vidiians were educators and explorers, a people whose greatest achievements were artistic.

Result: A huge round of applause to Voyager for creating so early in their run one of the most skin crawlingly nasty alien races any Trek show could boast. Everything about the Vidiians is well thought through from the chilling idea of them harvesting your organs to their macabre appearance (with an emphasis on cataracts, skin growths, tumours and greasy hair that is falling out – ugh!). They’re horrible and they would provide some of the best moments in the first two seasons. Phage is a very strong episode of Voyager that allows Kate Mulgrew to show us what she is made of as an actress and pleasingly gives some time over to the Doctor and Kes’ growing relationship. My one complaint would be that Neelix doesn’t make the most sympathetic of victims but there are more than enough compensations in the strong writing and atmospheric direction and even the odd special effect that left me nodding with assent. More like this please: 8/10

Where No One has Gone Before written by Diane Duane & Michael Reaves and directed by Rob Bowman

What’s it about: Breaking through the warp barrier the Enterprise winds up a billion light years from their galaxy…

To Baldy Go: Picard stepping out from the turbolift into space is a great shock moment. If everybody is seeing what they most desire it is telling that Picard gets to sit and have tea with his mother. It takes the Traveller to convince Picard that Wesley might amount to something worthwhile which I guess means we will be seeing more of this parental relationship.

Boy Genius: Astonishing that when he is underwritten how tolerable Wesley can be and how subtle a performer Wil Wheaton turns out to be. This episode goes some way to rectifying the mistakes of the opening handful of episodes but it is all for nought – he’s back acting like an irritating swot again in just two episodes time. When Riker refuses to listen him I would have slapped the Commander around the face for being so rude. Thank goodness Wesley finally corrects Picard and Riker for constantly calling him ‘the boy’, it is unbelievably demeaning. The Traveller suggests that Wesley will be a genius similar to Mozart but in the fields of time, energy and propulsion. Amazing to think that this plot thread would be followed up in seven years time.

Security Chief: Everything about Tasha’s past should work and when we catch a glimpse of her scarred and filthy and hiding from the rape gangs it is a potent image. But then Denise Crosby opens her mouth and lets out some rubbish dialogue and the illusion is shattered.

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Thought is the basis of all reality.’
‘What wonderful arrogance. There is no record because we have not visited you before’ – the Traveller manages to puncture humanity’s arrogance in the 24th Century better than Q did through Encounter at Farpoint with one gentle line of dialogue.
‘Captains Log: any time entry is meaningless!’ – great line.

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘You’re telling me it’s a kitty cat?’ – are we nearly at the Armus slaughters Tasha episode yet?
‘I feel an abundance of well-being on the ship’ – oh shut up Troi.

The Good: Lovely to have somebody as arrogant, overbearing and sure of himself as Kosinski to rock the boat a bit on the lets-hug-and-make-up Enterprise. He might not be remotely likable but it’s nice to see somebody displaying a bit of assholeness. The set piece of the Enterprise smashing through warp ten with the warp core having a heart attack and the ship punching into another region of space encapsulates this shows mission to explore strange new places better than anything else we have seen so far. I laughed out loud at Data’s information that any message they send back to Starfleet would take 51 years to reach them! The idea that space and time and thought aren’t as separate as we perceive them to be is an extraordinary concept, one that would be touched on again in DS9 with the changelings. For once an episode is entirely unpredictable, we have no idea what is going on or where we are heading and that is a lovely feeling. A billion light years from their usual galaxy! You can’t fault the ambition of the writers! It’s nice to see some of the fantasies of the other crewmembers rather than just the main cast – the two who are being chased by nothing, the man who joins in a Mozart concerto and the ensign ballet dancing in the cargo bay are great little insights into other characters.

The Bad: Actually on reflection it doesn’t take before I wanted to toss Kosinski out of a cargo bay door such is his unbelievable hubris. What the hell? A male officer walks into shot wearing a dress! Is cross-dressing acceptable in the 24th Century? Actually on that subject the civilisations on the Enterprise have an appalling sense of fashion. Basically they get home by arranging a huge love in for the Traveller, shame to get back to the schmaltz after an episode of such dazzling creation.

Moment To Watch Out For: A genuinely fun moment when Picard has some pleasure in wangling a rank for Wesley so he can come on the Bridge and sit at a command post.

Myth Building: Only 11% of our galaxy has been charted. Often mentioned but never seen accept in this episode, a Klingon Targ makes its debut! Only now does humanity merit some attention by the Traveller’s people, before they have always been too uninteresting.

Result: I am thrilled to be able to say something nice about a TNG episode and Where No One Has Gone Before is so vastly superior to the last four episodes it doesn’t even warrant comparison. It has just the right mixture of imagination (with the Traveller offering us a unique glimpse into our future) and character building (especially for Picard and Wesley) and Rob Bowman’s stylish direction holds the whole piece together with some beautiful imagery. It’s a shame that the final act devolves into some overdone syrup but at least it does end on some development for a character (even if it is ‘the boy.’). This episode really reinforces the sense of wonder exploring the galaxy can provide and with the invention of the Traveller and his people there is some hope that not every alien will be a racial stereotype or capitalist troll. I really enjoyed this on the whole and it just goes to show how well TNG can play out when the writers reign in the melodrama and offer flourishes of imagination: 8/10

Babel written by Michael McGreevey & Naren Shankar and directed by Paul Lynch

What’s it about: A virus that makes the station personnel talk nonsense. No seriously.

Single Father: Sisko’s quiet approach to command is pretty dull in this episode and he only registers when he shows concern towards his son being infected.

Everyday Engineer: In a couple of minutes footage we get to see just how hard O’Brien is working his butt off to try and keep the Station running. I wonder if he has daydreams about hanging out in the transporter room on the Enterprise? What I love about his character is that even when he is in a grumpy bastard of a mood he is still written and played with a great deal of humour. Colm Meaney is a likable guy and as such so is O’Brien. His first slip of aphasic language is an odd moment. He tells Sisko that Keiko is fond of Jake but because Sisko questions this it almost seems as if he has said something improper. I’d love to know what O’Brien said to Kira when she joked about the broken turbolift (I bet it was full of swear words!)

Unknown Sample: Quark is such a crafty character its no surprise that Odo sees through his sudden luck at having his replicator fixed. Its interesting to see that once he is taken out of comfort zone of security and has a station full of lives on his hands he almost falls to pieces.

Community Leader: In the space of one episode Quark has gone from doing fantastic business to it being practically non-existent with Odo commenting on both. I guess that’s the way it goes in the hospitality industry. Security verification never seems to be a problem for this Ferengi; he just pulls out his isolinear rods and gets snooping. He lures Dax through his door with a double whipped Idanian spiced pudding. The scene where he is making sure his less fortunate customers aren’t faking the illness to prevent paying their bar bills is hilarious – Quark really is a wonderful scene stealing character. Look at him swaggering into Ops and offering his help to Odo, he is loving this (and his ‘I must have witnessed the procedure hundreds of times’ is great).

Sparkling Dialogue: ‘Rom’s an idiot, he couldn’t fix a straw if it was bent.’
‘You. Gold. Owe. Me!’
‘Bread the arrive seen earlier!’

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘I’m holding you personally responsible if anything turns up missing’ – Odo developing his use of the oxymoron.

The Good: Straight off we visit a cargo bay, Ops, a science laboratory and a corridor – this really does feel like a large, working area teeming with activity. It’s only a small detail but I love the shot of the fluids running through the circuitry. DS9 really knows how to stage action and the gripping final set pieces is all flames, smoke and explosions.

The Bad: Colm Meaney gives all he’s got to make his nonsense speak as funny as possible (and I did laugh at ‘Simple hesitation!’) but really, this script and premise would be thrown in the trash in a few seasons time. Its one of the early DS9 episodes that is trying out a TNG premise to see if this sort of thing will work. There will be a couple of other examples as we work our way through the first season (Move Along Home, If Wishes Were Horses & Dramatis Personae) but they would soon peter off as DS9 develops its own identity. The fella playing Jarheel is able to send you to sleep with his relaxed delivery. Even DS9 isn’t above having a duff punchline at the end of the episode but at least Colm Meaney has the guts to look embarrassed by it!

Moment To Watch Out For: There is a pan across the Promenade that ends on Jake where you can see that the upper level is unfinished. The producers did not have the budget to have a two storey set like this in the shows first season and it is interesting to see it displayed here so bold facedly. In the next season both sides of the Promenade are walkways with shops and lifts and lots of activity.

Orchestra: The music is really exciting in the finale as Odo struggles to explode the mooring clamps in a race against time sequence.

Result: Imagine if the crew had been wiped out by the aphasic virus? What an embarrassing way to end the series! Babel proves again that DS9 has better luck at dishing out these naff Star Trek premises because its core of characters is strong enough to provide some entertainment when the plot fails to do so. You’ve got Odo panicking when the Station is his responsibility, Quark causing a whole lot of trouble but redeeming himself by coming through when the crisis needs him and Kira providing her own unique solution to curing the virus by infecting the man who created it. So now we’ve done the virus and the murder mystery plots, can we get on with something more interesting now? Disposable but fairly watchable especially in the thrilling final ten minutes: 6/10

The Last Outpost written by Herbert Wright and directed by Richard Colla

What’s it about: Chasing a Ferengi cruiser with stolen property, the Enterprise gets caught in a planetary atmosphere with its power draining…

Mr Wolf: ‘For battle come to me!’ cries Worf who in four stories hasn’t had one ounce of development or exploration.

Blind Engineer: For some reason and for one episode only Geordi is behaving like a jiving MC Hammer engineer, jigging with his hands and spouting funky dialogue and exclaiming ‘oo-wee!’ when a plan comes together!

Security Chief: The sooner this psychotic woman is replaced the better. She suggests the (impractical and provocative) plan of blasting their way free.

Dancing Doctor: Any chance she gets she will try and murder her annoying pipsqueak of a son and when the Enterprise is drained of power she plans on sedating him. At least that’s how any sane person would interpret it. Its not the last time this season that somebody would want to give Wesley a little prick to send him to sleep. Everyone is quite loose with their feelings in the first season and Crusher strokes Picard’s face in the Bridge once power is restored (does anybody ever call him Jean without the Luc again?).

Dreadful Dialogue: ‘Dammit critters!’ cries Worf when he is nibbled at by a Ferengi!
‘These crystalline tree shapes are actually energy collectors!’ – what is up with people on this show stating the bleeding obvious?

The Good: The holographic table in the conference room is pretty nifty but I can understand why they stuck to a screen in future seasons.

The Bad: ‘Immobilised by the damn Ferengi’ spits Worf vocalising my thoughts exactly. When you compare it to TNG’s next attempt to create a big bad in season two with the Borg, the Ferengi's efforts to force the Enterprise to turn round and face them is actually little more than a minor inconvenience. On the Enterprise scanner large enough for even the bloke standing at the back of the Bridge to see is a huge planet and a much smaller spaceship. Picard and his lackeys spend ten minutes trying to outthink the ship and it takes Troi (of all people) to suggest that perhaps the planet is responsible and not the spaceship. It’s amazing that this ship made it out of Space dock. Picard surrenders to a Ferengi vessel, what an embarrassing thing for him to think back upon. Why do the Ferengi sit so close to their cameras? The Damon’s face fills the entire screen in a jarring, visually unspectacular exchange. Its interesting to note that at the same sort of time Doctor Who was creating planets as realistic and visually arresting as Segonax, Lakertya and the Cheetah Planet and yet Star Trek with its larger budget instead opts for a hideously unconvincing studio backdrop. The precipice that Riker shouts out across isn’t even as realistic looking as a similar scene in The Daleks when the travellers discover the Dalek City. These Ferengi manage to overpower Worf! If only Quark knew about this he could have enjoyed winding him up for evermore. I remember an interview with Armin Shimerman when he apologised for his horrid performance in this episode and was determined to get it right when he was cast in Deep Space Nine and yet he gives the strongest performance of the three on the planet. It’s not great but its better than the squeaky voiced pair he’s lumbered with. A ghostly Godlike being again? There are plenty of those buggers about aren’t there? Riker tells the representative of the Tkon Empire that their time has gone and when he begs to differ he gets Data to read out the historical records – I would just say ‘Hello! I’m right here!’ Mordock does the oddest camp dance movements with his hands sort of a cross between the Child Catcher and an extremely camp bloke mincing down the highstreet! Riker quotes a little Sun Tzu and the episode is over? Did I miss something?

Moment To Watch Out For: Jonathan Frakes who demonstrates how a true action hero should fall when he is struck down by a Ferengi whip.

Myth Building: The Ferengi display the worst characteristics of human capitalists – let the buyer beware. Their portrayal in the episode leaves a lot to be desired and they don’t seem to work as either comedy stooges or villainous nasties. The sequence that sees them madly jumping on the backs of our heroes and trying to eat them is one of the most surreal moments in Star Trek. At least they get one thing right – these Ferengi find the idea of a clothed female going to work sickening. Whilst Riker tries to bang home the moral in the last scene the Ferengi are literally running around them doing the strangest of dance movements! It’s absolutely hilarious for all the wrong reasons.

Result: Ladies and Gentleman may I introduce you to your new terrifying villains…the Ferengi! In another universe where the design and performances were different it might have worked but the truth is the scariest thing this bunch of pantomime trolls do is an odd disco dancing routine with their hands. If I was watching this series new I would have given up by now, this is another tragic failiure of an episode and there simply is no sign that the quality is ever going to improve. The whole episode works on the idea that the Enterprise is in desperate danger from this Godlike entity of the week and yet Riker manages to woo him with little more than a single line of Chinese philosophy! Add to that one of the least convincing planetary backdrops and a general lack of atmosphere and intelligent dialogue, TNG’s first season continues to lack any conviction. The episode even ends on an inevitable and unfunny gag: 2/10